


Out Of All The Seasons, Winter Will Remain Imprisoned

by yzabel



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autumn, Face Punching, First Crush, First Love, Huening Kai Being A Little Shit, Huening Kai Is Bad At Feelings, Huening Kai-Centric, Hurt Choi Beomgyu, Hurt Huening Kai, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lmao Yeah I think I improved with this, M/M, Mentioned Choi Yeonjun, Mentioned Kang Taehyun, Mistakes, Misunderstandings, Not Happy, Or Is It?, Protective Kang Taehyun, Regret, Seasons, Snow Day, Snow and Ice, Soft Choi Beomgyu, Spring, Student Choi Beomgyu, Student Huening Kai, Summer, Sweetheart Choi Beomgyu, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teenagers, The Author Regrets Everything, Waiting, Whipped Huening Kai, Winter, Years Later, snowflakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:42:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27652903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yzabel/pseuds/yzabel
Summary: It's been years ever since Huening Kai saw his first love during high school, and while winter was coming, he awaits the first snowflake—the same way he's waiting for that first love to return.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Huening Kai
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	Out Of All The Seasons, Winter Will Remain Imprisoned

Everyone has their favorite season; maybe they like the warm wind caressing their faces during the summer and watching the sunset while sitting on the shore, or maybe they like the comforting wind during autumn—with the orange leaves falling elegantly down the road. Perhaps some people love to walk down a flower field while looking at the bright sky with the clouds scattered around it during spring.

Or maybe… there was someone out there who saw the glint of happiness forming within a snowflake. Someone who craved for the freezing wind to hug him solely. Someone who was in love with winter—or rather, in love with what winter gave to him.

“Sometimes, does the thought of going back to the past cross your mind?” he asked with his eyes fixated on the field of trees located a distance from him. His yellow hoodie gave him warmth like a fireplace, he leaned down the backrest of the cold bench and waited for the other’s response.

The boy beside him raised a brow as he averted his gaze from his phone and looked at the younger beside him, “What do you mean by that, Hyuka?” he asked with a blunt voice, carefully inhaling the cold air—the freezing sensation wiped off the warmth in his chest, causing him to exhale and let the white smoke disappear into thin air.

HueningKai looked at him with a calm expression, “Do you ever just… want to go back to the past and correct your mistakes?” the way he asked it was off—his voice was plain, but there was an obscure sight of regret in his eyes.

“Oh…,” Yeonjun nodded and heaved a sigh. He looked at the field of trees in front of them and answered in an almost breathy way, “… yeah, I often wish that I can correct my mistakes. In that way, things would’ve turned out better.”

The answer made HueningKai speechless. He didn’t know what else to say since he couldn’t really fumble for more words right now. And this lonely atmosphere that enveloped the park just added up to the already gloomy mood.

There wasn’t a lot of people in the park, only children playing in the small playground behind them, and the large field of trees in front of them.

Sentimentality overflowed this park, it was gloomy—and it always felt like this every time the winter season was coming. However, no matter how dull, how melancholic, how sad it may seem; HueningKai saw its beauty deep within a snowflake—a beauty both ravishing and horrifying.

“Why’d you ask that?” Yeonjun looked at HueningKai, “Is something bothering you?” he continued to query, worry evident in his eyes.

HueningKai shook his head while chuckling, “It’s nothing. It was just a random thought,” the young boy shrugged and looked at the field of trees again. His expression changed as he heaved out a sigh, suddenly he felt a pain in his chest—causing his heart to beat loud and hard, just like the deafening sound of a clock striking twelve, just like the loud noises of kids playing in the playground, just like the loud voice echoing in his mind.

And with the pain still lingering within him, it was more than enough to make him realize that no, he still wasn’t over it—he still wasn’t over him.

Three years have passed ever since that night, for countless of time; winter came by then left, an unfathomable amount of snowflakes have already vanished to nowhere once they hit the surface, yet he still remains imprisoned in winter.

He still hopes to see him when the first snowflake comes.

But can one really go back and correct their mistakes? Can one really change what already happened?

_He still wonders._

“Kai-ah!” a girl aggressively knocked on the door, snapping HueningKai out of his endless trains of curiosity. He averted his gaze from the window and looked at the bedroom door. 

“What do you want?” he asked with a voice loud enough for his sister to hear.

“Aren’t you coming? We’re going out tonight,” she answered, her voice a little muffled because of the door in between them.

The boy rolled his eyes before answering, “I already said that I’m not coming. Just have fun,” HueningKai said and grabbed his phone from the nightstand.

There was a few seconds of silence before his sister answered with a defeated voice, “Fine,” and the sound of her stomping reached the boy’s ears.

He couldn’t help but to chuckle, “Annoying,” he whispered and unlocked his phone. It was two minutes before seven, seeing the time—he froze, a rainfall of silence dominated his entire room. Two minutes to seven; two minutes away from the time he was supposed to show up—but no, he didn’t. He never did.

A wave of nostalgia washed over him, swallowing him solely, slowly, and distressingly. He was, yet again, being suffocated—the ocean grasped him, clutching tight, and pulled him down: drowning, smothering, and killing him.

And what was that ocean called?

_Conscience._

His conscience was haunting him, barging into his mind unwelcome—by surprise; without a warning, with no doubt; it was his murderer, his spectator, his enemy, and his weakness.

Three years but he was still repenting, still hurting, still wondering, still hoping, and still loving.

HueningKai was still loving the person he almost killed that night—although, the funny thing was that he wasn’t even there; that was the catch, he wasn’t there, because if he was then it never would have happened. Almost, it almost happened—and he was the reason behind all of it.

**FLASHBACK**

It was during high school when he first met him, it was spring that time; the flowers bloomed and the sky was vibrant—but that certain boy of class 2-2 stood out than any blue sky.

He was thin, small, sensitive, quiet, and elegant—almost like a girl, but those were the traits that made him attractive. HueningKai didn’t even notice that he was already staring at him instead of reading his book. The library was in silence, but HueningKai could hear the crazy beating of his poor heart.

The sight before him was captivating, alluring, and even magical (to idealize it a bit more). He was as beautiful as Van Gogh’s paintings, as lovely as Shakespeare’s poems. His pretty eyelashes, his roseate lips, the strands of his hair that were almost covering his eyes, his pretty fingers that were flipping the pages, and the way he smiled when he read a part from the book—it squeezed HueningKai’s heart.

Slowly, he felt himself gulp, the grip on his book tightened, the beating of his heart going insane and more berserk, he could feel the rush of adrenaline overflowing his every vein, his breath hitched—

They met gazes.

But that wasn’t the reason why HueningKai’s heart annihilated; it was because the boy smiled at him—a smile so pure and sweet—and HueningKai wasn’t so sure if he will still be able to see the daylights again.

_Uncertainty._

There was a tad bit of uncertainty between their feelings. Does he love him too? Do they love each other the same way? Romantically or was it nothing more but mere platonic stares and exchange of sweet smiles? They didn’t know.

Because they never really talked to each other.

It always went: they see each other, they make eye contact, then tear off the gaze. Then slowly, they make eye contact again, but this time, they smiled at each other.

On second thoughts, there was a certainty—nobody else knew but them; nobody knew about the stares and little giggles, about the eye contacts and small smiles, about the sparkles glistening in their doe eyes.

Without a doubt, they knew—it was more than platonic, it was more than what it seemed to be. It was more than just two people passing by each other because, in the middle of crossing each other’s paths, their eyes always meet for a second or two—and those glimpses hold something bigger than a mere spare of a glance.

_Rain._

It was raining. The droplets of rain were soaking him as he ran down the streets, eyes darting from here and there to find a shelter—then he saw the bus stop. He quickly fastened his pace, his feet crashing against the wet pavement as he ran. As soon as he reached it—he stopped, eyes growing wide while looking at the boy in front of him.

Once again, they locked gazes with each other. HueningKai’s grip on his bag tightened as he bowed to the boy, the raven-haired did a little bow and sat down on the seat. HueningKai bit his lip before sitting as well while taking several glances at the boy sitting a few inches away from him. He did not know whether it was the rain or maybe the sudden feeling of nervousness—either way, he felt cold, in fact, he was close to shivering.

Then he flinched.

The boy beside him just spoke.

“C-come again?” HueningKai could feel his hands shaking as he looked at the raven-haired, the grip on his bag tightened even more—almost crumpling it with his long and pretty fingers.

“Are you cold?” the raven-haired repeated his question, and oh god, that gentle voice—it was grabbing HueningKai’s heart as an attempt to crush it.

“Yes, I mean—no. Well, a little, but I’m fine!” and HueningKai just wanted to slap himself for stuttering too much. The raindrops were loudly crashing on the ground, several cars were passing by, and the gray clouds that prevented the daylight to shine through almost obscured his sight.

The raven-haired giggled while shaking his head, he rummaged for something in his bag, then he pulled out a white t-shirt and gave it to HueningKai, “Here. Dry yourself with this.”

The other was reluctant and the raven-haired was able to notice it, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s clean. I won’t give it to you if it isn’t,” he smiled.

And HueningKai just kept on praying to anyone above to save him from this or else, he might as well just combust.

“Thank you,” HueningKai softly said while taking a hold of the t-shirt. He dried his hair with it while still glancing at the boy beside him every now and then.

“The rain can be absurd, right?”

HueningKai stopped drying his hair and looked at the older, “What do you mean, Beomgyu Hyung?” he asked, slightly surprised that he just called him by his name.

Beomgyu was looking at the sky when he answered, “There are times when the rain is beautiful, but there are times when it looks… sad,” he looked down with a small smile that clearly did not reach his pretty eyes.

Truthfully, HueningKai could not even formulate words right now. He was speechless, amazed, and surprised by what the other just said. Beomgyu was keen, he wonders too deep—but it was beautiful, really beautiful.

“Well… I think the rain looks pretty today,” HueningKai said while staring at the boy with the most endearing smile.

And they met gazes, “Why?” the other asked.

“Because you’re here.”

HueningKai did not know if his eyes were deceiving him but he swore to himself that he just saw a tint of red spread across Beomgyu’s cheeks. He didn’t even know how he was able to say those words, and now, the embarrassment was consuming him. So, he faced the road and decided to just shut his mouth until the bus arrives.

That is, until the older spoke.

“The same goes for me.”

_Courage._

It takes great courage to do the hardest things: sacrificing, facing, fighting, continuing, letting go, and speaking for one’s self—it takes great stout to do so.

And so, he takes courage.

“7 pm, Seoul Park.”

The hallway was empty, it was a few hours away until class will be over. The cold wind came rushing in through the windows left ajar, coldly caressing them as they faced each other. Beomgyu stared at him, he was slightly confused—his heart was beating so fast that he stuttered when he asked, “What do you mean?”

HueningKai held his hands together behind his back and refused to look at the older, so instead, he looked at Beomgyu’s black sneakers with a small pout on his lips. He gulped before repeating, “7 pm, Seoul Park. Let’s wait for the first snowflake together.”

Taking courage can change a lot of things, and something sure did change between the two of them—being one step closer, that is.

But then, just as quickly, they drifted apart again—like friends to strangers, lovers to exes, us to them.

HueningKai stared at the text message flashed on his phone’s screen, he had already memorized it because he read it numerous times now: **‘Beomgyu doesn’t like you, don’t get your hopes up. He’s too good for someone like you.’**

Impossible and exaggerated as it may seem but that’s how it was; there will always be people who won’t allow you to get what you know you deserve because they were jealous, mad—they couldn’t take it, they couldn’t watch you be all happy and satisfied.

And it took one message from an unknown number to take away his determination, his hope, and his courage. Foolish, really foolish. He was weak and a fool—a useless knight in a war, an empty shell.

HueningKai laid down his bed and let out a small groan, he looked up the ceiling—or more like, he looked at pure nothingness. It was already passed 7, the time he was supposed to meet with Beomgyu—but no, he wasn’t coming now.

Just like how everything changed so quickly, it was also as quick as a falling debris when he felt a fist collide with his cheek—shoving him on the hallway’s floor.

“You asshole!” a boy with blond hair screamed with rage, eyes flaming with madness while looking at the boy whimpering on the floor.

“You don’t deserve him!” he screamed yet again. Many students were already watching them, worried and frightened of what was happening, but the blond didn’t seem to care—he was staring, no, more like glaring at HueningKai.

“What are you saying?!” HueningKai yelled and stood up, his fists clenched as his chest rose and fall at a fast pace.

“You had the audacity to tell him to meet in the park, during a winter night—when it was _freezing,_ ” the blond walked closer to him, “made him wait for nothing and now, you’re acting dense?!” he continued and punched the taller again, scraping the younger one’s lip causing it to bleed.

“Beomgyu almost _fucking_ died, you jerk! It was freezing, and I know that you know very well that he has a fragile body—but you still made him wait for absolutely nothing! Not even a single sight of your damn shadow!” at this point, some students had to hold Taehyun back or else—who knows what he might do.

The mere mention of the older one’s name was enough to make him realize, he suddenly felt frightened—afeared of what happened to Beomgyu when he didn’t show up. He grabbed Taehyun by his collar and asked with a tight voice, “What happened to him?”

Taehyun scoffed and rolled his eyes, “You wanna know what your stupidity did to him? Well, just so you know, he waited for hours! He was freezing, shivering, and almost close to fainting! He called for me and when I got there,” Taehyun pushed the younger away and glared at him, “he lost consciousness. His hands were freezing and he was breathing heavily, and you know what?” he grabbed HueningKai by his collar, his pair of eyes continuously shooting him daggers.

_“Fuck you.”_

And HueningKai was left alone in the hallway, his mind still not fully sinking everything Taehyun said in. His legs felt weak, wobbly, so he sat down on the floor and sighed out heavily.

His sensitivity brought him to this. He almost killed the person he loves because of his selfishness—because of that stupid text. It hurts to imagine what Beomgyu went through last night; waiting for hours, freezing, and fighting the cold sensation that was swallowing him whole. Taehyun was right, he doesn’t deserve him.

He doesn’t deserve to hold such a delicate flower like Beomgyu.

_Regret._

He regrets everything so bad. HueningKai wanted to apologize, or maybe even, beg for forgiveness. But he couldn’t face Beomgyu after what happened to him and Taehyun, he was shameful—his mistakes haunting him every day. So, he waited.

He waited for another semester to begin before apologizing. He planned everything in his mind, he will apologize and make it up to him.

But all those turned to ashes when he found out that Beomgyu transferred schools. Nobody knew exactly why he transferred. He left without letting any of his friends know, even Taehyun didn’t know.

And now, HueningKai was repenting so deeply. Cursing himself for everything he did to Beomgyu. Ever since that day, winter became haunted for him. Thenceforth, he was scared of winter coming, because he remembers Beomgyu in that season—that season reminds him of all the mistakes he did.

Ever since then, he never went out during winter because his conscience wouldn’t let him. He never went to that park. He didn’t have the courage to do so, and thus, it led him to be imprisoned by snowflakes—coldly piercing his skin as if he was nothing but a slave who did an illicit mistake.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

His phone rang—snapping him out of his train of thoughts. HueningKai looked at his phone’s screen and saw Yeonjun’s contact number flashed on it. He took in a deep breath before finally clicking the green button.

“Hyung?” he said with a low voice, he felt tired—although he didn’t even do anything, but his body felt heavy; just like the immense feeling within his chest. 

“Where are you?” Yeonjun asked, the younger could hear the faint sound of party music playing in the background.

“At home,” HueningKai answered after he sighed for the nth time today. He leaned against the pillow behind him as he looked out the window beside him.

It was as dark as the hollow sky, no stars were to be seen; it was empty, just like him.

“Oh, come on. At least go out and enjoy,” the older responded with a cocky tone, it made HueningKai scoff.

“I’m too lazy for that,” HueningKai said with a little grin and looked at the plain wall in front of him.

He heard the other whine, “A friend told me that the first snowflake will come tonight. Don’t you want to witness it?” Yeonjun tried to convince him.

_First snowflake._

HueningKai sits up with wide eyes, his heart suddenly beating erratically against his chest—he felt a sudden urge to go out, unlike what he did before, “Bye Hyung,” he ended the call.

Immediately, he hopped off his bed then grabbed a coat and a scarf from the closet. He wore them while running down the stairs and went out of their house.

Cold. It was **freezing** , a gust of wind came slapping his skin causing him to shiver. Why was he even so eager to come out? He rubbed his arms while looking around the empty streets, monotonously-lighted by the streetlights.

“I’m still hoping,” he whispered while looking at the dull sky.

With that, he ran. As fast as his feet could endure. He ran down the pavement, the cold wind caressing his face, the lonely moon tracing his directions, and the numbers of people glancing at him when he ran past them.

The only thing in his mind right now was winter, then it drifted off to that night, then in one snap—all he could think of right now was the quietest student of class 2-2. The boy with timid movements. The boy with pretty eyes. The boy with an attractive laugh. The boy he fell in love with.

Quiet, student of class 2-2, timid movements, pretty eyes, an attractive laugh, the boy he’s in love with; all those coming down to one person—to the only person he ever thought of: _Choi Beomgyu._

“Beomgyu Hyung,” the boy mumbled as he ran faster and faster as if his life depended on it, “I’m sorry, Hyung. I’m sorry,” he repeated, again and again as if it were a mantra.

In this world, everyone makes mistakes—be it intentionally or unintentionally, we all tend to make decisions that can ruin us, decisions that can break, decisions that can mess us up. However, even decisions like those can bring out the very best in us. They open our eyes, they make us realize, they make us stronger and braver.

And right now, he wanted nothing more but to apologize—something he was never given the chance to do. If he doesn’t get that chance now, then he’ll wait—and when it comes, he’ll bring out a river of apologies.

May it be pointless, foolish, or insensible; we all have to say sorry. Frankly, apologies really can’t fix certain things, and with a broken heart—we can never do anything else but to beg for forgiveness.

Finally, he reached the park, the place where he was supposed to await for the first snowflake together with someone he adores. 

The park was empty, dull, and blue. HueningKai stopped and decided to catch his breath. He bent down and inhaled, then exhaled with great force—allowing the white smoke to vanish into thin air.

Now, he walked with his cold hands buried in his coat’s pockets. He adjusted his scarf to cover a bit more of his chin while looking around the empty place. He could still feel the weightless yet heavy feeling dangling within his chest, a hefty wave of hope crashing mercilessly on his shore.

Continuously wondering what could have happened if he never allowed his selfishness to win, if he only fought for the older—then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t be a prisoner of winter; silently, quietly begging for it to release him and set him free.

And suddenly, he was met by a pair of eyes—the sparkle within them was the sight HueningKai knew all too well. But no, he couldn’t be, that would be too much concept of idealism.

HueningKai stared at the boy in front of him who was wearing the same color of a coat as him, a white scarf around his neck, and a fluffy beanie on his head.

His awkward posture, his thin curves, that raven hair, those captivating eyes; _too familiar for HueningKai’s liking, too suddenly, and why now of all times?_

“H-hyung…?” the younger called, reluctantly taking a step forward as his lips quivered.

The boy in front of him smiled, oh how much HueningKai longed for that sight, “Kai-ah…,” he called with a gentle voice, the same soft tone he used before.

And the first snowflake came, falling in between the two incomplete souls that were staring at each other; both longing for each other’s warmth and love.

Another snowflake fell, and another, then another—until lots and lots came dancing their way down at the same time.

It was the moment they dreamt of since three years ago, and finally, it came to reality. Both of them were looking at the hollow sky that was showering them with crystals, and slowly, they met gazes again— _just like before._

When HueningKai saw how Beomgyu’s eyes glistened while staring at him, the comforting way he smiled at him; he knew that he was forgiven—still, it was in their eyes. Their eyes told everything their trembling lips could never.

He was forgiven, he was finally pulled out of that endless ocean. He was no longer a prisoner of winter, instead, he was winter’s most loyal soul. He always waited for winter to come—even though he was afeared of it—the same way he waited for Beomgyu.

And at last, the wait was over, because HueningKai finally had the courage to correct his mistakes.

_“Kai-ah, you finally came.”_


End file.
